Loss.

15 years ago this month I had a miscarriage. No one knows. I was two months along, alone, scared and not wanting to be pregnant.

When I started bleeding I cried, and I couldn't tell if I was happy or sad.

10 years ago this month my ob-gyn put me on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy that would result in my daughter. The whole time I was expecting her I dreamed of a baby boy with dark brown eyes and hair.

At the first follow up after she was born, I was advised that I shouldn't have any more children if I was interested in living to parent the one I had currently.

Now I look back, and I'm so sad about that miscarriage. Though there is no rhyme or reason to it, no logic or sense at all, I believe that that was my baby boy.

I never knew I wanted a son until I learned I would never bear one.

Struggles.

I am struggling with a lot of things right now. My illness, my weight, my marriage, parenting, housecleaning. Nothing is coming easily. I get so very tired of having to work so hard at everything.

Hell, even blogging this my mind is jumping in, criticizing the language (see that black and white language, all or nothing thinking is unhealthy and wrong).

I hurt. My body hurts. My mind hurts. Thinking hurts. I feel trapped, lonely, desperate, wracked with despair, and broken. I feel weak, ugly, fat, crippled and useless.

Life feels alien, the way walking into a strange church for a wedding in some different religion feels. As if I am a stranger in my own skin. Things taste wrong, sound wrong. Textures feel wrong.

Desperation, despair, desolation, other things that begin with the letter D. And Cake Wrecks. I've been reading the Cake Wrecks website obsessively for a few days now, because it makes me laugh. Really, honestly laugh.