I am doing something today, right now, that I haven't done in many many years. I am consciously listening to music. Not music as an afterthought on a radio variety show, not music as an aspect of a film, not music just to add sound to the air.
It can be frightening to stretch past ones habits like this. Frightening because of the unfamiliarity, because of the threat of newness.
And frightening, for me, because of mental illness. I have clinical depression, and pleasure in newness scares me because - as desirable as it is to be happy, as good as it is to enjoy what is new and different - it is also a potential symptom of a worsening of my disease - a symptom of mania.
It is, I think, an irrational fear for me to have - my diagnosis does not include mania, and I trust the physicians who interpret my experience for me. I believe - I must believe - that they are able to accurately characterize my difficulties.
Still it is difficult to choose this happiness. It is very challenging to let myself feel as good as I feel, because I have no gauge for it's normalcy.
None the less, there it is. Today I am listening to music, and I am happy.
Today is a good day.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
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