Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Knowing when to quit.

It's one of the most difficult pieces of advice to accept - to quit doing something that is too hard. We're taught from earliest childhood that "winners never quit, and quitters never win" , that "the only sin is lack of trying", that "if at first you don't succeed, try and try again."

But sometimes, you need to quit. You need to stop doing what creates only pain.

That's what I'm looking at right now. I am - was - a backpacker, and there's a lot of pride and sense of self tied up in my being a person who backpacks.

But these days, it hurts. I suffered a leg injury a couple of years ago, and spent a big chunk of time in physical therapy getting my ability to walk back to normal. There is, however, a big difference between walking around town or hiking with a daypack and compacting the whole of life into 35 lbs, strapping it on, and heading out into the woods for days on end.

I just got back from a backpacking trip - 3 days, short 4 and five mile days, 33lbs, trekking poles to help compensate for the leg weakness I know I have. A planned shake down hike for the long vacation hike I've got planned for August.

And it was no good. Even with the physical training I've been doing, even with the additional physical therapy work to make sure that the joints and all did what they should, it was no good. Better, yes, much better then last time I tried this hike, but still..... I hurt too much to be able to enjoy it. I didn't hurt so much I can't move afterwards, which is an improvement.

But it was no fun. It was mile after mile of low-grade agony that didn't let up, and stole every view, despoiled every sudden wildflower, and left me weeping at the end of each day.

Maybe if I only hiked for being to say I got the miles done, this would be enough. That I could do the miles.

It is time, I think, for me to try and find a way to be happy without being a person who backpacks. It's a very challenging thing to try and do, especially right now, when I have train tickets, and motel reservations and child care arranged for a three week hike that I want to do so badly... A hike that I have dreamed about being able to take for years.

A hike that I am - despite having trained and focused on preparing for it since January - physically incapable of hiking.

I am not strong enough to say today that today is a good day.

I am strong enough to when it is time to quit.

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